Interview with a "Vampire," Part II

December 23, 2009

Today's comic is a continuation of Monday's comic, 'cause Danny has a few more bones to pick with this "Vampire." As for the conclusion, if this comes as a surprise to you, you're either new to the comic or just not paying attention.

That being said, here comes a Vampire rant! You have been warned.

Vampires has been a part of our culture for hundreds of years, and over that time, various pieces of lore have been added to Vampire canon. Most common is that Vampires need to consume human blood to survive. Another common aspect to Vampires are that they're nocturnal, because they have adverse reactions to sunlight. Originally sunlight would just keep a Vampire from using their powers, as was the case with Bram Stoker's 1897 novel "Dracula," the story that cemented most of the accepted Vampire lore. As the stories aged, sunlight began to become one of the Vampire's biggest weaknesses, in most cases severely weakening the Vampire. Sunlight in recent history has been known to completely kill a Vampire and was first used to do so in "Nosferatu," a German movie made in 1922. That's right, I did research!

Vampire have other weaknesses. As much of the Vampire lore comes from the highly superstitious and religious Europe of the Middle Ages, many of the Vampires weaknesses come from religious artifacts, the most common being a crucifix and holy water or any other such blessed item. Probably the most common weapon used against Vampires would be the wooden stake. Driving a stake into a Vampire's heart has always been a surefire way to kill them, and while the item piercing the Vampire's heart doesn't necessarily be a wooden stake, that tends to be the traditional weapon.

So why have I bothered to list all these random facts about Vampires? Becuase I hate the Twilight series. Now I know I said that over time Vampire lore has changed, but if you write a story about Vampires but ignore every single currently excepted piece of Vampire lore you did not write a story about Vampires, so stop fucking calling them Vampires! Vampires do not sparkle in sun!

What I don't understand is how Meyer could be creative enough to come up with all aspects of her creatures, but so uncreative that she couldn't come up with an original name for them. Clearly she wanted to write an original story about Vampires, but didn't want to be tied down by all the lore that comes with it. Well that lore is what makes a Vampire a fucking Vampire!

It's like if I wrote a book about Werewolves, but in my story the Werewolf became a Werewolf because a rabid wolf humped their leg, and the phases of moon has nothing to do with their powers. Furthermore, the Werewolves are completely unaffected by silver and they aren't driven to eat meat; in fact, they're vegetarians that eat salads made entirely out of wolfsbane. Isn't that wacky? I mean, it's called wolfsbane, wolf's bane, get it! In fact, comsuming wolfsbane makes their coat silky smooth and sparkle in the moonlight. Having said this I've learned that the second book in the series has Werewolves in it, so I can only assume this is how Meyer treats them.